Post Estrangement: the role of authenticity in reconciliations

I recently heard this thought in a video I was watching

“We can either have authenticity or we can simply preserve a relationship.” ~ Dr. Gabor Mate

If we put on a mask, pretend to be okay, talk about fluff we can preserve a relationship. It is what we have been programmed to do from a young age when we received the message that "our feelings" don't matter, when the grownups in our lives introduced us to the concept of not sharing our feelings was what they preferred.  Do mostly all adults in authority do this to children?  Is the process of teaching children about teaching them to share only those emotions that they (the adults) are comfortable dealing with?  If this is the case, is it any surprise that some people who study personality and character say that everyone has grown up in some way learning to be inauthentic and that this is where so many of our relational problems stem from.  

So what do we as children learn?  We learn that authenticity (being real and expressing our feelings) is frowned up by our care givers especially when those feeling are ones they find uncomfortable dealing with.  That means, anger, frustrations, resentment etc. have to be suppressed, ignored and unexpressed if we want to have a nurturing relationship with our caregivers. We learn early on that authenticity, expressing our authentic feelings puts our lives in danger if your caregivers become angry with us, withdraw their affection etc.  We learn early on which emotions to NOT express, and which emotions are the safe ones (happy, content, grateful etc). We learn when to “shut up and shut down” and we learn to pretend, put on a false mask or playact for those we can’t afford to antagonize.

So we become adults who internalize the message that authenticity is something to be feared.  We bring this false core belief to all our interactions and our relationships.  We fear to share too much, we fear to be too real because people might not like us and we continue to filter everything we say through the process of not saying anything that might “annoy” or infringe upon the “contentment of the other person.  Of course we do this in different ways depending on our personality.  People pleasers do this in an attempt to not anger or disturb the more dominating personalities.  However, the more dominating personalities sublimate their own authenticity too when they fail to look at why they get emotional release from dominating others or why they get so very angry when someone dares to point out to them that their actions are hurtful.  They don’t want to look at their authentic self to explore why they are the way they are. 

However, when we are serious about healing we learn that if we go after authenticity, when we start to express how we feel, not in a moment of anger, but in serious communication we do face the fear of destroying the relationship that has been based upon non expression of emotional truths and feelings.  And just yelling at another person that they are angry, or hurling hurtful comments is not communication of feelings. 

Communication of feelings requires us to know what we are feeling, why we are feeling it, what triggers that feeling and what we need the other person to do differently to not put up this wall of non-communication.  This requires knowledge of one’s own responses as well as understanding that the other person also has triggers and emotional responses that are not necessarily rational.

And if one person in the relationship reaches a point where they are willing to be authentic and the other person is not, you have to face the very real prospect that being authentic when the other person is not ready could destroy the relationship, because not everyone is ready to deal with authenticity.

When we recognize that the other person is not ready to be authentic we do the “tip toe dance”.  This is where the phrase “walking on egg shells” comes from.  The feeling that we constantly must be on guard about what we say; that if we say the wrong thing the other person will explode into rage at us.  We filter our comments and thoughts so as not to trigger the other person.  This is the height of unauthenticity in that we know we are doing it and we do it anyway so as “not to rock the boat”. 

This is when we recognize that we can either have a relationship or we can have authenticity but we can’t have both.  Putting our real feelings on the table, being vulnerable, being authentic will drive the person who is not ready for such a personal form of interaction away.  They will either be afraid to express their deeper more real selves or they will retaliate in anger for you daring to point out that what they did or said had such an affect upon you.

This is when you realize that some people are very happy with a casual relationship based on nothing more significant that talking about the pleasantries of life.  The gossipy conversations about other people’s lives and all the empty conversations we participate in to “fill the silence” of not saying anything at all.   Now many people are quite happy living in this state with these kinds of relationships.  They have no interest in being real, and it works for them because they either feel in control of the drama, or because they want to avoid the drama.

The problem arises when there are difficulties in the relationship, when one person is always on the receiving end of criticism and they have to stuff down their negative reaction to the critic to not antagonize the giver of the criticism.  You have a situation then where you “avoid” topics, or back away from certain discussions to preserve the peace.  However the source of the tension remains, it is the wall that feels unsurmountable because of all the things that are not discussed, not explored, not worked through.  The longer things are not worked on or worked out, the bigger the wall becomes.

Vulnerability requires us to look at how our actions affect others.  Authenticity requires us to explore these responses.  In healing we do the work on ourselves, we explore our authenticity and our vulnerabilities and get to know who we are, why others treat us the way they do, why we respond to certain triggers the way we do.  We also start to learn what their vulnerabilities are and why they are camouflaging their vulnerability with aggressive actions to avoid facing their internal issues. 

We reach a certain point in our healing however where we realize that healing relationships requires two people willing to be in the same space of vulnerability and authenticity.  We recognize that we could if we wanted to go back to putting on the mask to preserve the old relationship but we also question whether we want to go back to “walking on egg shells” to preserve something that is not very healthy, something that is filled with shrouded areas where no one is allowed to look too closely at the ghosts and skeletons in the closet.  We then face the question, which do I value more?  Do I value my authenticity or do I value a relationship based on hiding my authentic self? And if I value the relationship am I willing to put my own need, my need to be authentic aside?  Am I willing to sacrifice my need for authenticity for the need of the other person to not face their internal demons?

Every relationship we have at some point in our healing journey gets tested by these questions.  If we have been in the habit of putting other people’s needs first, ahead of our own, we might be tempted to go for the “walking on egg shells” relationships.  If we have divested ourselves of our need to be the peace keeper at all costs, we might be more inclined to say “authentic or nothing”.  We might get to that place where “no” relationship is preferable to a relationship with someone who requires us to hid our real selves to preserve their comfort level.

When we ask another person to be authentic with us we want them to face their actions and the consequences of their actions.  When we want an authentic relationship we want to work together at becoming more real.  When we are ready to be that vulnerable we want the important other people in our lives to also be that vulnerable.  But what if they are not ready?

What if they are not ready to look at themselves because one of their coping mechanisms is to look only at the faults of others?  What if they want to blame you so they don’t have to look at their own actions and their own contributions to the problem?  Can you have an authentic relationship with a person still stuck in blaming others for their problems?  I believe this is not possible unless we are willing to take the blame and be their scape goat.  However, that is about as unreal and inauthentic as you can get once you know that this is what is happening.  So then the question becomes; ‘am I willing to become inauthentic again in order to soothe the other person so they don’t have to face their own culpability in the problem?’

This is the problem that we face healing in the aftermath of in estrangement.  There comes a time when we recognize all the problems in the relationship, the parts we contributed and the parts that the other person contributed.  When we realize what we are responsible for and also what we are NOT responsible for.  When we recognize where our feelings start and that we own those feelings, but that the other person is responsible for doing the things that they did, especially when we see them doing so on purpose to trigger us to feel that way.  When we start to recognize coping strategies as an excuse to not work on healing, we reveal that side of the person that they would rather remain hidden.

If we choose to allow those people who have estranged us back into our lives, especially if they have made it clear they have no intention of changing; we can preserve the relationship only by putting on a mask of okay-ness.  We have to suppress our desire for authenticity and be aware that we have to be content wearing that “mask” even though we may want more in the way of an authentic relationship. 

Of course our other choice is to push for authenticity knowing that we then risk the relationship.  We only have the power to change ourselves.  That is where our power ends.  The other person has to travel their own healing journey to that place where they too want to be authentic and vulnerable and they too have an interest in healing the relationship in a meaningful way.

I believe that reconciliations are just as emotionally charged as the estrangement was.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 12 – 16 

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