Saturday, November 11, 2017

My Daily Reflection: Exploring the concept of Bypassing


Recently I have learned a new concept called Spiritual bypass. 

Definition: A spiritual bypass or spiritual bypassing 
is a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices 
to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional 
issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished 
developmental tasks".

To me this means using something as a reason to avoid another something.


I think that avoidance tactics are one of those things that we tend to turn to in order to avoid something painful about ourselves that we don’t want to face.  Maybe that is why it is so easy for us humans to come up with excuses and rationalizations. 




One of the deciding factors in my healing journey was facing my propensity for saying “yes but”.   I would face something that I knew I needed to change about my thinking patterns or my behaviour patterns and then I would list all the reasons for not changing.  

Once I was aware that I was doing it I started to see it in others around me as well.  The most common turned to BUT is   “but it is so hard”.   Of course change is hard I want to shout, that is why it is called change.  Naturally this rationalization itself is not so simple. 

Difficult is the word that we turn to as a simple explanation for the fear that we fear will be revealed in the process of change. 



For example; without change we can blame our circumstances, other people, the actions of other people, the inactions of other people, our history and essentially all the many details that go into bringing us to this point in time with this problem that can only be resolved through change. 

However, when we do change we will have taken on responsibility for ourselves.  Then if we don’t like the outcome we have no one to blame but ourselves.  It is no longer about the others it is about us.  That is a huge amount of accountability to take on.  It makes us vulnerable while at the same time making us authentic.  This is a scary place to be.

So just as in Spiritual bypass I think we need to become aware of bypassing the changes we need to make, the avoidances that we allow to continue become a sort of “life bypass”, where we are using engagement in our life stories to bypass the changes of healing.

Under this kind of avoidance we can look at things like this: 
  • Where there is a propensity to focus on the mistakes of others there is the need to protect or preserve the ego from facing our own wrongful actions.  Is this where the refusal to apologize for comes from?  When only others do wrong, that means we do only right ergo, no need to apologize. 
  • What about the situation where one deflects away from a criticism by introducing a lining up of faults in the other person.  In this case there is an avoidance of having to take ownership for the wrongdoing that we committed that leads to a domino effect of other actions.   If we get far enough down the line of dominoes maybe everyone will forget the hurtful action that precipitated the cascade event in the first place.
  • What about when an error is pointed out, or an action is exposed as having caused harm and the first response  to this is the casting of a judgement upon the person calling attention to the fault?   In this case judging is used as an avoidance tactic for not having to take ownership of the error or harm causing action.

In all of these instances (and I am sure there are more of them that abound in our relationships) there is a bypassing happening.  There is this assumption that if we can deflect away from introspection we can just live life without having to face the difficulty of accountability.

I am sure some of us bypass introspection more than others.  Possibly also there might be some times in our lives when we do more bypassing than at others.  Maybe difficult times in our lives bring out a greater desire to bypass?

In observing people I have noticed people tend to bypass when an event makes them see something in themselves that they don’t want to see, or when on some level they understand that they need to face something that they don’t want to face.  

However I have also noticed that some people make a habit of bypassing.  I call this the “nothing is ever my fault syndrome” there is always someone or something or some event to blame.  

The finger is always pointing out and there is an avoidance of remembering that when the pointer points outward, there are three fingers pointing inward (middle, and ring and pinky).

I think that what I have become aware of is that there are two kinds of bypassing. 
  • In the first there is only harm to the self, in that avoiding deflects and side tracks personal emotional healing.
  • In the second there is the causing of harm to others because bypassing allows actions and inappropriate behaviours by the activation of a supply of plausible excuses or rationalizations.

Harming others through bypassing behaviour is something that I see quite often.  One very common use is name calling and put downs in response to anything that seems to harm their ego.  This is often seen in bullying behaviours.  When I have questioned such actions, I have received comments like; “this is my coping technique for dealing with my pain”.  

This leaves me to ponder;
  • Do people really believe that they can bypass their wrong doings and their hurtful actions by blaming that “their past made them do it?”
  • Do they really feel that they have the right to be mean because it is the “protective response to past injuries”
  • Do they feel entitled to bypass their own healing while at the same time expecting others to make allowances for them because they carry emotional wounds?

Considering that almost every human carries woundedness from their past this does not seem to be an especially appropriate kind of behaviour.  Because we were harmed or hurt in some way by our past does not give one licence to behave hurtfully in the present.  This is especially the case in our present day awareness that we; if we really wanted to, can change our ways by learning to deal with and heal our emotional wounds.

It is at times like this where my reflections on life leave me in a quandary. On the one hand I can see the results of such behaviours; I can see the hurting on both sides.  I can see the hurting of all the people who are all really trying to find relief from the pain of life.  I can even understand the motivation to protect by deflecting outward.  What I can’t understand is the kind of character that a person must have to live at peace with themselves knowing that they are hurting others to assuage their own pain.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 11 – 11



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Wednesday, November 1, 2017

My Daily Reflection: re-evaluating the nature of unconditional love


I am starting to re-evaluate the nature of unconditional love. 

I was taught that my receiving love was conditional upon my behaviour.  If I behaved according to their rules and their needs, and to their standard, then I earned the right to be loved but only until such time as I made a mistake…at which time love was withheld as punishment.  THE MESSAGE:  love is conditional upon you living up to what is expected of you.

I was taught that love has no conditions by the ones that enjoyed the power of hurting me with their words and their disapproval. THE MESSAGE:  I was not to point out their faults if I loved them.

I lived most of my life by these twisted set of rules about unconditional love.  These false messages severely hampered my ability to have honest relationships because I was always monitoring my reactions, my choice of responses and actions to accommodate being perceived as loving unconditionally.

These false set of messages have over time caused me great harm.  For sure ideally we should be able to love unconditionally, but only on the condition that the object of our love has no secret agenda of their own to extract or benefit from our unconditional love. As soon as there exists an agenda or conditions by one person in the relationship everything about that relationship in turn is twisted out of alignment.

How did this play out in my life?
When I was abused to the extent where I finally had to say “NO you can’t treat me like that!”; I was discarded for not loving unconditionally, which translated into accepting abuse without complaint.  When I developed boundaries which I enforced ...suddenly I was no longer loved. This message was delivered to me by the expediency of being “ghosted”. 

THE MESSAGE:  the ones who expected me to unconditionally love them; loved me only on the condition that I allowed them to continue their abuses.

What has this taught me? 
It has taught me that the term unconditional love has a twisted message.  THE MESSAGE:  unconditional love allows abuse to continue in this relationship because you have to love me even when I am cruel to you. However if you do not love my abuses then you are guilty of not loving me unconditionally. And you are therefore a bad person."

Unconditional love served up in this way is a no win situation for those of us who try to please others by making allowances for their bad behaviour.

I am starting to believe that unconditional love needs to be earned through respect and caring actions over a period of time.  Unconditional love can also become conditional in the face of abuse. 

For example I have the right to put distance between my physical body and the abuser to protect myself.  This condition allows me to still love the wounded person (one who feels entitled to the right to abuse me) for who they are; however, it is now clear to me that, I do not have to subject myself to their abuse.  This is a condition that keeps me safe.  In this instance my love is conditionally unconditional. 

People, who in the past have put conditions on their love for me, I am now learning to look at very differently.  I have learned to recognize that they exhibit controlling and manipulative behaviour.   THE MESSAGE:  I will only love you if; with a string of requirements and conditions added.  

Their condition for loving me is my capitulation to their wishes or demands.  They may want me to love them unconditionally and accept their abusive behaviour, but they have NOT EARNED my unconditional love. 

In conclusion I have decided that the term unconditional love; while having a very nice and soft and cozy feel good feeling; is an illusion that is perpetuated for the sake of keeping captive those souls who really want to please others and therefore constantly strive to be worthy of unconditional love.  While those who thrive on being loved even when they treat others abusively through acts of bullying or name calling or derision want to preserve the status quo by calling us bad or selfish or ungrateful when we decide that we deserve better than love based on the condition of  meeting their requirements.


Sometimes I now wonder if the illusion of unconditional love is what we search for when in reality it is only a gift we can give to ourselves when we discover that we deserve to be loved for who we are rather than what we do. 

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 11 – 01 



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I love when you share my page to spread the word.
If you want to quote me I kindly ask that you please provide a link back to my page. 



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