My Daily Reflections: Pondering Suffering

Quote:

"Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;

The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.

O my brother, staying in a cold dark place

And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain

Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!

The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;

Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.

Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,

Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself."

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

Sometimes we receive the message that suffering is to be avoided at all costs, that we must always seek out the positive and the happy. This is a misconception and why it is perpetuated I don’t quite understand. 

Now I am not saying we need to “seek out” suffering, but rather that we must not allow our suffering to lead us to despair. For in suffering, and especially in overcoming and growing through the suffering is where we learn some of life’s deepest lessons. Dig into the hardships, do the work of becoming a better person because of what you have experienced. Learn from the experience what you don’t want to do (or continue to do) unto others which causes them needless suffering. Learn also that sometimes suffering can’t be avoided and that there is a lesson that THEY must learn which only can be learned through that path of suffering soul searching.

I used to accept horrible disrespectful behaviour towards myself from others; I made excuses for them and tolerated their behaviour. Then slowly I started to realize they were in fact causing me unnecessary suffering. When what they really needed was a "shot of reality", they needed to be told that it was unacceptable to treat me that way.

What I needed to do was cause them some conscience suffering!

I needed to let them know that their behaviour was a problem and I needed to let them know in such a way that they could face their conscience and have a moment of possible growth toward becoming a better person.

It took me a long, long time to learn this lesson. In an effort to not remove “happiness” from others, I ended up suffering needlessly the stings of hurt and abuse and disrespectful behaviours. Sometimes the best gift we can give others is for them to feel the sting of our withdrawal from them in disapproval.

There is much to be learned from suffering.

It is not always easy learning.

But sometimes our greatest breakthroughs come after we have suffered greatly.

And sometimes we have to be the instrument of suffering in others. For example, sharing a truth they don’t want to hear causes suffering to someone who has a cluster B personality trait. But it is only in suffering that they have an opportunity to change. Not that change is guaranteed by any means, but by offering them an opportunity to face something about themselves we can give them a glimpse that change might be needed.

I have been coming to the understanding that sometimes it hurts you, your self-esteem and your self-worth to be eternally kind to others that have shown by their actions that they don’t appreciate or deserve your kindness.

And sometimes the greatest kindness is a truth most resented or an action revealed as being unacceptable. Even if in the short term there is resistance and suffering.

They may walk away angry and spiteful that you dared present such a truth, they may even seek revenge. But the truth is, they have been given a wondrous gift; an opportunity to look in the mirror, to see themselves from the perspective of the person they have harmed, or to see how a grandiose outlook is preventing personal growth and the opportunity to improve. Whether or not they learn from the insight is totally up to them. 

Many won’t learn!  

Many are blind to the lesson they have been given. They don’t want to feel the pain of suffering through personal transformation, or they simply have such an inflated ego they think they are so superior that they can do no wrong.  Many will turn around and use excuses or judgments or even blame, guilt or threats to exonerate themselves and preserve the delusion that they are too perfect to be in need of change.

Another lesson in life that I have learned is that to remain silent when being verbally abused in the effort to be perceived as nice does not work. The net result is that you are perceived as an easy target and the abuse escalates.

I also have learned, through some really tough life lessons; that I can't stay silent about speaking a truth to facilitate someone else's comfort. This is especially imperative when their level of comfort is based on ego and illusion but not on actual fact.

My wish for myself and for others who are traveling a similar path toward self-discovery and self-awareness is this:

May you learn that in suffering there is learning and that in learning there are new beginnings. Don’t shy away from suffering because it is unpleasant, instead seek what lesson has been presented to you and how you can learn from the experience and how you can become a better person in the process.

Renate Dundys Marrello

2017 – 08 – 12

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